Church was disappointing today

I went back to church today after being gone for a long time.


I really wish that I could say that the angels sang and bells went off and I had some wonderful epiphany and was brought to tears by my triumphant return.


But I can't.


To be perfectly honest, I am not even sure why I went.  No one greeted me.  I was completely lost in my Sunday school class because they had started a new series - I didn't have a book; no one offered to share theirs with me, and no one said anything about what they had studied previously in order to try and help those of us that had missed last week.  (Or, in my case, the last six months....)


So.... I'm not really sure how I feel right now.  I mean, I know what emotions I'm having right now - sadness, disappointment, etc. - but I'm not really sure how I'm feeling about the whole church thing.
  
Will I go back? I don't know. 


Part of me wants to say yes - that I shouldn't make a decision on just one week.  


Part of me wants to say no - I really did not feel welcome at all.  


Part of me says that I don't need to go - and I would be just fine staying home.


You know, I know how people act when a new person comes to church.  I've seen it.  I've experienced it.  Most church people are trained to fawn all over new people when they show up at church.  "Get them saved."  Okay, great.


But what about if they aren't new?  What if they are going through a rough time?  It seems like if you dare to be honest and say that you're questioning your faith that other churchgoers back away like you carry the plague.


Is faith so fragile that others are afraid they'll "catch" a lack of it just by associating with you?


In John 20, verses 24-28, Thomas (a disciple) doubted that Jesus was alive, and he told the others so.  He said that (paraphrasing) "unless I see Jesus and put my hands where the scars from the nails and sword were, I won't believe it."  


Did Jesus appear later and say, "You miserable doubter.  Go straight to Hell"?


No.


Jesus went right to him in verse 27 and said to put his hands in his scars and have the proof he needed to believe.  Did he chide Thomas a little?  I think so, judging from His words.  But I don't think it was meant as condemnation, but a gentle chiding - I don't think it was harsh at all.


Anyway, I'm going to go mull over what happened today and make some more decisions, I guess.  I'm pretty bummed about the whole thing, to be honest.